Five Things Never To Do In Bed…

In scientific parlance sleep deprivation affects everything in your life. So of course it will also affect the relationship you are having with the person you are regularly sleeping with.

This is not a conversation about our assumptions and expectations regarding intimacy in the bedroom - at some point we may, or may not, do an article on that aspect of bed life - but for now there are already countless articles on ‘How To Become An Instant Love God/Goddess’.... 

This post is about how not to annoy the heck out of each other when the bedroom door closes. Happy days and Happy nights! 

Today we are going to take a look at some of the other reasons, besides issues with intimacy, that might be causing you to feel that your bed is not the happy haven that you would like it to be.. 

Strictly speaking the word ‘never’ means not under any circumstance., however human nature dictates that many of us just need to hear the word ‘never’ to immediately say “yes but what about when….”

So let’s just say that these “FIVE THINGS NEVER TO DO IN BED” are what you might want to keep in mind to have an enjoyable, peaceful, restful, time in your bed - either avoid these activities completely or certainly cut them down to a bare minimum.

For clarity, I am not ‘The Bed Police’ - just have faith for the duration of reading this article that I have spoken to many, done the research and most importantly spent decades sleeping in various beds. I have found the information noted here to be both helpful and true.

1. NO ARGUING……

I am certain that I don’t really need to explain this one. As a Relationship and Wellbeing Counsellor I am all about communicating and letting your feelings be known. Lack of effective communication is regularly cited as one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relationships.

However, climbing into bed and then going at it hammer and tongs in a full-on adversarial verbal exchange is one of the most effective ways to guarantee a massive release of adrenaline and overflow of cortisol. This will pretty much ensure that you aren’t going to get to sleep at all, and if you do the quality of your sleep is going to be less than optimum. 

Jenni’s Advice : Do not ignore your problems but air them outside the bedroom and preferably not before bed. A quiet conversation in the living room, a walk or a cup of tea at the kitchen table preserves the sanctity of peace in the bedroom.

2. DON’T TURN YOUR BEDROOM INTO A CIRCUS…..

This one is a toughie for many couples*: the children and the pets. One of the things that many couples struggle with is maintaining a level of privacy. No one ever wants to exclude their children, however some level of boundaries will usually be beneficial to all parties. Be it your children, your puppy or your parakeet every couple needs ‘alone time’. 

*This isn’t strictly a never; circumstances can be different so please treat this one carefully.

Jenni’s Advice : It is very important for your child to develop a loving relationship with their own bed and space. Set up a special bed basket in their room that has a few special books and toys that are for when they first wake up.

3. DO NOT DISREGARD YOUR PARTNER’S PHYSICAL NEEDS…..

Ok, so this is NOT that intimacy business again - this is about ‘window open vs window closed’, ‘lights on vs lights off’, ‘central heating high or low’, ‘electric blanket on or off’, ‘music or not’, ‘television or not’. When I first got married my husband was totally against having the window open and I couldn’t sleep with the window closed. I used to wait until he went to sleep, sneak over and open the window - then wake up at crack-of-sparrow, close the window and scamper back into bed. 

Jenni’s Advice : In 2025 it’s easy peasy for both parties’ bedroom needs to be met. Hybrid mattresses; electric blankets with dual controls; in fact many couples now sleep with two half size duvets in different weights. Each person can have pillows that are perfect for their needs and desires. Adjustable bedside lights, quality eye masks, stereo earplugs. There is  no reason for both parties not to have all the bits and pieces they could possibly want or need for their perfect night together.

4. DON’T DISREGARD THEIR EMOTIONAL NEEDS EITHER…..

These days we live in a world that hurtles along at top speed. Most of us are either working too much, taking care of children and grandchildren, our practical obligations, playing hard, and running from pillar to post. That’s why to many of us our beds are more of a sanctuary than ever. For some, going to bed is the only time we can just s-t-o-p and not feel guilty. 

So when your partner says “I’ve had a really difficult day, can we just relax tonight” then if at all possible - and make it possible even if you don’t think it is - say “Yes of course”, or “Let’s talk about it , my day wasn’t great either”. 

Don’t use your last minutes before going to sleep to launch into what are you going to do about the new mortgage rates, the kids’ grades or how  you plan to wrangle with the new electricity tariff. 

Jenni’s Advice : Sometimes the best thing that you can do is put your arms around each other, close your eyes and count to 100….

5. DON’T ALLOW TECHNOLOGY TO BE A TYRANT

If a tyrant is ‘a cruel and oppressive ruler’ I think that for many of us while our tech is a glorious helpmate in the day, then comes the night time and it’s become the tyrant! Of all the relationship battles that are currently being fought in the bedroom in 2025 the biggest might be ‘what do we do about bed & tech?’.

Talking on the telephone, endless scrolling, playing games, checking emails, monitoring the news, making your to-do list for tomorrow, setting alarms for when to do what, checking how many steps you’ve walked today…the list is endless.

There are as many reasons to try to avoid tech at bedtime as there are devices, but let’s pick the most basic. Melatonin, a hormone that your body naturally produces that aids you in falling asleep easily and deeply,  can be affected by over-exposure to blue light (produced by tech screens). 

Blue light can push back the timing of sleep, so if you think this is something you or your bed partner are affected by then try and reduce screen time overall - and ensure you have calming, low level lighting in the evening. 

However, more recent research states that it is the content we are consuming on these devices that do more harm than the blue light. So, if we are using our devices consciously - turning on night mode, dimming the light and watching and listening to something relaxing - then they can be a great tool.

However, if either partner is going down the path of doom scrolling and it's preventing sleep, or you are consuming stressful content which puts you on edge - then it's probably best to put them down.

Jenni’s Advice : Consider what kind of relationship you have with your phone? Is it one which can positively influence sleep or one that can negatively influence sleep? If, like me, you have one or two people who you are responsible for then switch the device so that theirs are the only notifications that come through. And put the phone on the other side of the room so that you aren’t tempted to start scrolling at 3:00am.

I try to avoid a lot of “Don’t do this!” and “Don’t do that !!!” but every now and then it just has to be done, so I do hope “Five Things Never To Do In Bed…” hasn’t been too painful. Try it for 2 weeks and let’s see how it goes - it made a huge difference for me and I hope it will for you too.